Take this test to find out how you measure up.

1. Do my socks smell?

2. Do I feel like I have "fuzzy mittens" on my teeth?

3. Do I often "free ball" in my pants, or go "bare to the air" in my skirts?

4. Do I arrive late, and sit in other people's chairs?

5. Do I baby-sit my own or other people’s children at work?

6. Do I pick my nose and sniff my fingers?

7. Do I think about things other than work while I’m dreaming?

8. If someone asked me to "take one for the team," would I hesitate or ask questions?

9. Do I skimp on my coffee?

10. Do I stare at things I shouldn’t stare at?

11. Do I wear brown?

12. Would I argue with the statement, "A urine test could save my life"?

13. Does my family life ever interfere with my performance at work?

14. Am I a snitch?

15. Do I think that there are things about myself that my employer doesn't know?

To score your test, give yourself six inches for every answer of "no."

6 feet – 7 1/2 feet:

You're a giant of industry!  Congratulations, you get your own office!

4 1/2 feet – 6 feet: 

If you work on your weak points, brush up on your grooming and develop a more responsible attitude, you can conquer the world, Napoleon!

3 feet – 4 1/2 feet:

Put a spring into your step, and bathe more often.  You suffer from a poor self-image.  Do your best to stay positive.  There's a reason why dwarfs sing when they work.  Heigh ho, heigh ho, it’s off to work you go!

1 1/2 feet – 3 feet:

Don't despair, my stinking, lazy friend.  Even if you're of a lesser stature than most dogs, there's still hope.  Most obedience schools have "special needs" programs.

0 feet – 1 1/2 feet:  

You have been cursed to crawl on your belly through the mud and sewage of life.  Vermin spits on you, and for good reason.  Abandon all hope, ye of the low, thick brow.  Did you really think you could get anything out of this here hifalutin lit'rature?  Grunt once for yes, twice for no.